Sure, that is a strange statement for anyone whose hips have never gone missing. And until you try to swing or deadlift a kettle bell, you may never know yours are. But it was the first thing Trainer noticed when we started working out at the beginning of the year.

First, though, I need to back up and tell you why we were focusing on these types of movements in the first place. I have a fitness goal that, up until now, only Trainer and Gym BFF have known about and that is to get a butt. Because I don’t have one. I go from back to leg and it isn’t pretty. I’m not saying I want Kim K’s caboose but I’d really like something a little more 3D than the flat surface that’s happening back there now.

So, whoomp there I was, a woman dedicated to booty barre classes, lunges, squats and stair machines, fully aware that I was working my butt off to try and get a butt. For months I did all of these things, and while I was seeing amazing transformation in other body parts, my butt wasn’t budging. Or bulging. It was still flat as a pancake.

I set out to solve the great mystery of why doing all these booty exercises was getting no booty results and discovered that I’m not shy when it comes to talking to people about my booty – or lack thereof. I posed the “what gives?” question to friends, trainers, coworkers and even strangers in my quest to learn more about backsides.

I visited a friend in Colorado recently and as we compared fitness regimens I mentioned my booty issues. She said she went through the same thing and finally got the booty she wanted when she mastered deadlifting. I told her about my “missing hips” problem and she said I needed to find them quick because it’s the only thing that’s ever worked for her. And after making her turn around so I could see her butt I said, “Mm hmm, on it.”

As soon as I got back from CO I met with trainer and was all, “We have to find my hips!” so we did a back-to-basics training session to assess any movements I was getting wrong. And just a few squats in, he discovered my problem: over-developed quads. My quads were so strong they were doing all of the work in my lower body workouts.

That’s when the lightbulb turned on and it all started to make sense. As a college soccer player and later cyclist, I’d created quads of steel and the muscle memory there was equally strong. My quads had come roaring back and that, in turn, had allowed my glutes to be lazy. Really lazy. Like pancakes taking a nap. And it was time to wake them up.

With this valuable piece of the puzzle in place we focused on exercises that isolated my glutes (one-legged leg presses are my new favorite thing) and I made a conscious effort to give my quads a rest and make other muscles do the heavy lifting with squats, lunges, chairs and whatnot. Surprisingly, my new focus paid off fairly quickly and I nailed a 50lb kettle bell deadlift and swing in a session last week – after which Trainer yelled, “YOU FOUND YOUR HIPS!”

Oh happy day! I had! And now I stand an actual chance of getting a decent little booty going. I doubt it will be the kind anyone writes songs about but you can bet your ass I’ll rock some apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur when it gets here.