A wise prostitute once said, “You gotta have a goal. Do you have a goal?”

Yeah, Kit DeLuca, underrated hooker sidekick from Pretty Woman, I do. In fact, I have three.

I was surprised at how quickly my first fitness goal came to mind when Trainer asked. “A faster mile,” I said. I’ve never been a fast runner by any stretch of the imagination but I’d noticed about a year ago, when I started training for the Brooklyn Half Marathon, that I was moving like molasses. I’ve also never been one to knock anyone’s pace because a mile is a mile in my book and good on ya for getting out there and doing it, but still I wanted to pick up the pace. At the very least so I could pretend to keep up with some of my friends who are, let’s face it, really just gazelles pretending to be human.

Anyhoo, I digress. Goal 1: FASTER MILE. 

I’m using my time in the BK Half as my base because it’s my best time since I started counting. I averaged a ten minute mile for the first ten miles and didn’t drop much for the last 3.1, which isn’t fast for some but was like lightning for me.

Goal 2: LOSE 30 POUNDS.

I know. Sounds like a lot. But keep in mind I’m 5’11 so I can gain a bit of weight without anyone really noticing. Which is a good and bad thing. A 5-10 pound weight gain isn’t going to result in a drastic change and likely won’t affect clothing sizes, so by the time I notice I’ve put on weight, I’ve actually put on quite a bit of weight. It’s terribly cruel math but there you have it.

And I don’t know if you know how hard one has to work to lose 30 pounds, but trust me, it’s hard work. Losing two pounds a week is really ambitious and at that rate it will take me 15 weeks to lose it. That’s nearly four months. MORE MATH. But hey, I didn’t gain it overnight so I won’t lose it overnight either. Must be patient. Or start doing meth. KIDDING. I’ll be healthy and take the patient, “slow and steady wins the race” path.

Goal 3: BIKINI READY BY POOL SEASON!

Now this is one of the most vain statements I’ve ever made but I really would like to, for once in my life, not be self conscious in a bathing suit in public. I was a chubby kid and teenager who was painfully aware of how ridiculous I looked in a swimsuit and, like most of us, carried that body image into adulthood. Sure, I can laugh about it now, but there were a lot of years there that just weren’t kind. I have a hilarious yarn from a Florida beach trip where I spent probably ten minutes wedging my roly poly five year old body into an inner tube that was clearly designed for a much smaller child. The plastic made horrible sounds as I inched that tube up and around my belly but I was determined. I was also oblivious to the audience I’d attracted who was watching and chuckling at my struggle. I finally heard the giggles when I’d gotten the tube situated so my triumph was short-lived as I, mortified as a kindergartner can be, jumped into the pool and paddled and splashed my way to the other side to pout.

So, yeah, bikini ready by pool season. If we want to examine the actual fitness behind my bikini goal it’s this: I know getting in shape isn’t just about getting thin and that there’s a huge difference between being skinny and being fit. I’m working toward the latter and hope that poolside confidence is just one of the many benefits that comes with the territory of being fit. If not, I’ll be working through that Florida poolside trauma with a therapist.